Aries (Fire) March 21 - April 20

Dear Ms. Munchkin, Okay, so here's the story. My biological clock is ticking louder than Big Ben on a Sunday afternoon. I'm 37 and met a guy on the internet who lives in Florida. I live in NY. He's an Aries also. He wants me to come down and visit him for a few days in March of '08. He seems like a nice guy but I want to know if I should waste my time if he's not going to be open to marrying me as soon as possible. What do you think?
Answer: What do I think? Hmmm. You mean you really won't go down to Florida, soak up the sun and possibly have a great time with a great guy 'cause he might not want to jump into marriage with someone he met two seconds ago? I think you should look to having artificial insemination and having a baby alone if you're not willing to take time to meet a nice guy who want's to be sure he's marrying a nice girl for the right reason and not just 'cause she feels she just wants his sperm (can I say that on the radio?) to satisfy a need that she feels will be fulfilled by only being a mother. How about being a friend, wife and lover as well as a mother?

Taurus (Earth) April 21 - May 21

Ms. Munchkin: The reason I read your Reality Scopes is because you're honest and to the point. I need answers to something. Do you think I should give up my career as an Architect to pursue my singing career?
Answer: I went to check out your act last night and even though you have a great voice you should stick to Karaoke, or better yet a job at the Purple Moon Tropical Lounge on 3rd Street. It will be steady work but you won't win any Grammy. If you keep your job as an Architect you'll have a better chance to keep your family in good food and clothes like they oughta be. Choice is yours honey.

Gemini (Air) May 22 - June 21

Munchkin, How are you? I recently met a male Gemini at a Bar Mitzvah and he asked me out on a date. I never dated a Gemini before and wondered if it's true about them having two sides?
Answer: Yes and no. Maybe. Yes. Or no. I don't know. It's my experience that the Gemini's I've met have two sides. But doesn't everyone. We all have the capacity to have a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I personally have two devils on one shoulder and only one angel and I'm a Virgo. Nuff said.

Cancer (Water) June 22 - July 22

Dear Munchkin, I'm a Cancer and my husband recently told me he's gonna give up his job and become a Lounge singer at some Tropical Bar on 3rd St. He told me you told him he's a good singer. I'm besides myself and have been crying for days. What's to become of us?

Answer: I thought he had a nice butt too but that doesn't mean he's gonna make it as an underwear model. He's just needs to get this out of his system and then he'll go back to being an Architect. In the meantime you can go and invite a lot of your friends to see his act and encourage him to keep on singing. The more people who go the more money he'll make. Johnny Reno or Buddy Vegas sounds like a good stage name.

Leo (Fire) July 23 - August 23

Munchkin baby, Remember me? I met you at the Adult Film Festival in Boca Raton recently and you promised you'd write to me and invite me to your bungalow in Malibu this summer, I haven't heard from you and was wondering if the invite still stands. Answer: I don't know what you're talking about. I never starred in the remake of Forest Hump or Wuthering Sighs. You must have me mistaken with someone else. But if you're in Malibu on say July 14th meet me in the 2nd Bungalow on the right off Mulberry St. Bring the same camera you had with you last time..

Virgo (Earth) August 24 - September 23

My dear Ms. Munchkin, As a fellow Virgo I know you'll understand when I tell you I have a hard time believing in UFO's and ghosts and silly stuff like that. My friends feel they are real and want me to be more open minded about stuff like that. Are you?
Answer: Well, my fellow Virgo. It is true that a Virgo has to be shown something or experience it first hand in order to believe it. I have had the experience of seeing a UFO and a few ghosts and have been shown a lot of other of the silly stuff so yeah, I believe. I have yet to meet a really good man and have come to the conclusion that they just don't

exist. But Unicorns do. Smooches.

Libra (Air) September 24 - October 23

Munchkin, my mother-in-law is a Libra and she does not fit all I've heard or read about Libra's. She's mean, conniving, manipulating and loves, loves, loves to cause whatever drama she can. I heard Libra's are sweet, like to keep peace and go with the flow. What gives?
Answer: Well, it sounds like dear 'ol mom' might just have a Scorpio moon. And in an Air sign sun that could be lethal. But since I'm bound from saying much about Scorpio's (read next letter from a Scorpio) all I can say is good luck, say lots of prayers and move as far away as possible.

Scorpio (Water) October 24 - November 22

Dear Munchkin, as a new reader to your column I'm a little puzzled about when I read my sign's Scopes. The past few you've mentioned a gag order, witness protection program and the like. Did I miss something juicy?

Answer: Boy, did you. In a nutshell, (a long nutshell) a few years back I was visited by the FBI who told me they heard there was a "hit" put out on me by the Godfather of the Scorpio syndicate and his sons because of truthful things I said in my columns. They took offense and were coming after me. After being sequestered in a safe way house in the Witness Protection Program it later came out that it was a joke and the Godfather was a snotty nosed teenage girl who was trying to cause trouble for me. Since then she set up a web page for the Scorpio Syndicate and there are over Ten Thousand members and still growing. Because of that I have decided to stay underground in the safe way house. I am guarded night and day by great looking agents who cater to my every whim. So I'm happy staying right where I am. Gag order to be up soon and then watch out. Keep reading. It keeps me going.

Sagittarius (Fire) November 23 - December 21

Dear Munchkin, I am a Sag guy who loves his freedom. My mom is on me to settle down soon and give her some grandchildren before it's too late. I just started dating a sweet girl who I like a lot. Should I take the plunge?

Answer: Are you ready to give up your nights out with the guys, staying up all night watching porn on tv and the internet and drinking yourself into a stupor whenever you feel like it? Or are you ready to be with one woman the rest of your life who will make you give up your friends and cater to her every whim. It's up to you. I hope your mom is not a Scorpio who will come after me.

Capricorn (Earth) December 22 - January 20

Munchkin, I don't understand your column at all. I thought Horoscopes were supposed to help people and give them guidance. Yours are just silly and not funny at all. You should become more responsible and turn over a new leaf.

Answer: So you don't think I'm funny. You and a half million other people. Do I care? Noooo. Do I think I'm funny? Not really. Just truthful. Okay, I lie a lot. But it sells newspapers. I'll turn over a new leaf when you get a sense of humor. Which may be NEVER.

Aquarius (Air) January 21 - February 19

Dear Munchkin, I read in the tabloids that you had an affair with George Clooney and almost broke up his new relationship. Anyway, I just started talking to a guy I met on the internet who is an Aquarian. He seems like a nice guy and down to earth. He says he's a Stock Broker, who drives a Jag and looks like Brad Pitt, Should I believe him?

Answer: Most Aquarians don't like to lie. It's just not in their nature. But they can tend to stretch the truth a little. But then again he is a man. And men lie. So maybe he's a taxidermist and looks like Steve Buccimi (you know, the guy from Fargo.) Anyway time will tell. Go ahead and go on that first date. You told him you're a Lawyer and look like Scarlett Johanson. And we both know that ain't true.

Pisces (Water) February 20 - March 20

Hi Munchkin, I really like your Reality Scopes and aspire to be like you some day. The trouble is I'm very sensitive and will cry if someone says something bad about me. How do you handle it?
Answer: Well, it's easy when you're holed up in a safe way house in the Witness Protection Program. You can say anything about people and they can't get at you. I don't get to see the hurt look in their eyes when I burst their bubbles. And they can't put a knife in my back when I'm not looking. I have just learned to let things roll of my back in my old age. You're young. You'll learn. Also a 5 figure pay check don't hurt either.